We did it! We made it to a YEAR!! Jim is 365 days old today!
I have wanted to write pieces of this VERY long post for the past year, but kept holding off for different reasons. At one point I had written this whole blog about how poorly I felt things were going. And then I deleted it because I thought it sounded too ugly and I didn't want James to look back in many years and think that I hated him or something, because I don't and I never have! Even with as challenging as this has been, I have loved him through it all, that has absolutely not waivered. Now, I can't say that I haven't wanted to give him away for a day or two and get him back as a fresh, new, happy baby, but that's another story. Another time I wrote part of another post reflecting back on some hard weeks we had, but that we were on the other side of it and how good it was to be there. And then I deleted that one too because I was convicted that when the Lord has brought me faithfully out of a trial...that was so fresh, it would be unwise of me to go back and dwell on the hard things again. I know me, and know that rehashing details which were still so fresh could have very easily brought me back to where I was just before.
At the end of this first year though, I want to have some things written down, because I want to remember parts of why it was hard so that I can come back and re-read this to grow in compassion and understanding for other moms. My flesh is easily tempted to hop on my high horse and FORGET the things that the Lord has shown me and brought me through. I also want to have this written down so that next year, when James is turning 2, I can look back and be amazed (because we will be...no matter what!)at the way that the Lord has worked in our lives and in his life.
I can't explain very well how challenging this year has been, trying to figure out what to do and how to comfort and console a very fussy little baby. It was a mentally and physically exhausting 9-10 months. Always trying to figure out if he was tired, or maybe past tired, or maybe hungry, or maybe sick, or maybe teething, or maybe something was physically wrong, or maybe he ate some food that he couldn't tolerate, or maybe I ate some food that he didn't tolerate...it makes for a brain that can never shut off and NEVER rest. And it makes for a mother who is just convinced that she is doing something terribly wrong. So, it just makes for a hard time. Praise Jesus for Jacob and Thomas who are GOOD boys and fairly easy to please and play so nicely together! I don't know what I would have done if they had been high need kids too!
We were humbled by James. Jacob and Thomas were relatively easy compared to James and so I anticipated my work load getting a good deal heavier with a third baby, but didn't really anticipate most of the challenges that actually did come our way. I didn't expect to change my schedule much once James entered the picture, because, after all, once Thomas was added to the family, I was back at Bible study the week after his birth and having play dates another week later...we never really stopped from there on out. Well my schedule has changed drastically with James. Nothing is a definite, everything is subject to change...and when in doubt, it's safe to err on the side of...I can't do it (it being any commitment)! :) I used to be the one who didn't understand why some moms were so wishy washy about making plans or about following through on plans. Yeaaaaa, not anymore. Now, I am hoping that others will extend the grace which I would never extend to them, to me! Yikes, that has been a tough pill to swallow.
I have been pushed outside of my comfort zone, and forced to learn (quickly) about some alternative medicine and more natural methods for caring for a baby. We have now tried a myriad of things that we never would have dreamed to try with the other boys: chiropractic care, probiotic rich foods like keifer and sauerkraut, amber teething necklaces, no more vaccines, no grains, grass fed-anything I can find, fresh eggs, bone broths...the list goes on. There was quite a learning curve, even getting to this point, and what with not having much spare time to speak of anyway, reading and researching wasn't to top my list of things to do when I did have a spare moment:) But I did occasionally, and at the end of this year I can say that I'm actually really glad I gave this stuff a try! I have learned a TON about the foods that we eat, and I even think that I may have found two main food groups that cause the boys issues! Score! But even this good gave with some bad. I have allowed myself to feel like I have a HUGE amount of control over EVERYTHING. Particularly our health. It has been a very recent revelation that my desire to learn more and try to help James turned into a sort of all consuming control freak type journey for me, and that meant one main thing: I had attempted to exclude Jesus, my ONLY help.
Truly though, since Jimmy came into our lives, I have never needed help so much. Jenny has come to my rescue during the day more times than I can count this past year. She would try to force me to lay down while she watched all the kids. She would send me home with or bring me food for the first...many months. She would e-mail to make sure things were going OK. She went back through her own extensive baby books to compare notes and give me hints when James seemed to have some new ailment. She kept telling me it would get better soon...which eventually I started to joke with her about (we don't typically joke)...that it was always, "just wait til he's ____ months, it will be so great!" And then we'd get there, and it would turn into, "just wait til he's ____ months, it will be so great!". I remember when James was only a month or so old, when my neighbor Heather called and said she was going to come and get all THREE boys after I nursed the baby and take them to her house until the baby needed to eat again...and I should take a shower and go to sleep. And I did, and I cried because I couldn't believe God had put people around me who knew what to do and how to help.
Jeffrey has done more nights with the baby then I could have ever hoped for! There were nights when he would get up with the baby AND with Thomas if he woke up. He has encouraged me to stop trying to make fancy dinners because they don't need it...and I can relax more! He has told me they would eat tacos and breakfast and hamburgers on rotation! (Now I obviously haven't gone 100% for that, but I have greatlyyyy appreciated the sentiment!) He has prayed for our family and for me and reminded me of God's never failing, never changing, always and forever faithfulness to us, His children, even in the midst of trials. And he has done all of this while his own mom has been dealing with surgeries and chemo treatments for breast cancer. And it has all been humbling.
So, as we close the first year and begin the second, I want to remember that it was hard, if only so I will have greater compassion for other moms who are just hanging on with a difficult baby, but I also want to remember that there were moments of joy...towards the end of that first year, there were even MANY moments of joy.
There were times that I would pause in mid bite at the dinner table, and look up to see one...two...three...four (we're counting Jeff) boys all happy and healthy, enjoying some meal that by the grace of God, I had managed to cook, and those times were and are beautiful snapshots for me to remember.
There were times when James would get so excited to see Thomas that he would inhale so much air that it sounded like he was going to pass out, and then he would try to jump right out of my arms to get to him, only to tackle him, pull his hair, slobber on his face...and have laid back Tom not flinch, not fuss, just hang out like he's had babies crawling all over him all his life. What big love a little baby can have for his brothers...and visa versa.
There were times when Jacob would throw himself down on the ground at the moment that it looked like James was going to take a step, and start coaxing him on, waiting to have James make it all the way into his arms, at which point he would celebrate and ooo and aaaah over his littlest brother. Or when Jacob sees pictures that have been printed out of James and he starts his squeaky baby talk voice...right to the picture!...all because he says he can't help it, that James is just so cute!
This past month has been better...it has been good...he now has 3.5 teeth, he took his first steps the week he turned 11 months, so at this point, he is moving quickly and clumsily all over the place! He can already go up AND down the stairs...the safe way, he turns around backwards and slides down! The other morning by the time we left the house at 9, James had already been pulled out of the toilet (his hands, I mean!), removed from the kitchen trash can he had pulled down and was going through, and had busted a piece of our fan when he knocked it over. He is infinitely more curious than the other two boys were. He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth! Oh, and he only has eyes for me and Jeff...like for real! He is pretty obsessed with us!
But yea, he is a sweet little guy...and when he laughs and smiles, it is BIG and you know he means it! I carried him to bed tonight, and thought back and could soooo clearly remember what I was doing right then one year ago...part of me can't believe he has been here a year and another part thinks it's been like 12 years:) He was laying in my arms, sucking his index finger and being very still (unlike him), just looking at me. He is big now and he was calm at this very moment and I was filled with thankfulness, and after this year, I love being filled with moments of thankfulness! So, on September 26, 2014 I remember that this was not an easy year, but I remember that if we do not grow weary in doing good we will reap if we do not give up (Gal. 6:9)! I am praying for reaping this next year and I am praying for more thankfulness in the hard days and in the easy and joy-filled ones ahead!
