So today while we were out and about trying to slam pack lots of activities into just a few days, I was looking at these little faces:
and was once again reminded of God's goodness to our family over this past year. I was also reminded of a post that I had drafted last week in an attempt to get it posted on the blog last Sunday; Palm Sunday. Obviously, that didn't happen!
Anyway, on Palm Sunday last year, Jeff and I found out the God had heard our many prayers and had blessed us with a baby. The months that led up to that day were some of the hardest that I have been through--lots of waiting, which I've found I'm not too good at. But as I look back now, I can see that the lessons we learned about our own faith, our own convictions, and God Himself were priceless, truly, and the wait was certainly well worth it.
Throughout the past year, I've seen a lot of people struggling...some with having a baby, like us, some with loss of family or friends, some with a loss of job, some with life-changing circumstances that were just totally unexpected. And no matter what the trial, they all seem to come down to trusting God with each of our circumstances. With all the big things like the timing and planning of our families, and with all the little things, like getting dinner fixed on time. That can be incredibly hard and I am still struggling with it daily, but by the grace of God, He is working on that with me!! I know how it is to be hopeless-not knowing Christ-but I also know how it feels as a believer to be heartbroken over an unanswered prayer (on our case having another baby), knowing that God cares for me, but still basically unaware of His TOTAL love for me as His child. I hope that by sharing a little bit of the lessons we learned, you too may be encouraged (and I hope to find a little encouragement myself for all the current trials!!) and know that you are loved by a God who is sovereign over every last detail of our lives-our families, our dress size, our jobs-all of it!
Lesson #1: As I've seen over and over again in my own life, as well as in my study of the book of Genesis this year, God is able to work through our own sin to still grow our faith and to still bless us, and to still work out His will. (For we know that God works together all things for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Rom. 8:28) He is merciful to us (he withholds the just punishment that we deserve) and gracious, which leads to...
Lesson #2: God does not deal with us the that we deserve to be dealt with when we are believers in the perfect life, atoning death and glorious resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. Yes, our sin still has consequences that can be painful, but we are forgiven for past sins, for present sins, and for future sins---for all of them because of our belief in Jesus. In my case, I have to struggle daily to remember and believe that my sins are fully forgiven and that "there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). God has also shown me that He did not just forgive the sins that I thought were "forgivable", but it is ALL of them--every last atrocious one of them! So because of this, God will not (and did not) close His ears to the prayers of His child, or become silent because of my past sin. Again, not to be redundant, but this is because of my (and your) belief in Jesus. God will not leave or forsake you...or me, when we are His children because of Christ. ( Heb. 13:5) This might sound really basic for some of you, but I had a HARD time over the months that we were trying to get pregnant with believing that particular month was because of my (of Jeff's) past sin. Please hear me though when I say that this is NOT TRUTH!! Again, we know this is not truth because the Bible says that,
"He does not deal with us according to our sins nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love towards those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us."
Psalm 103:10-12
Praise God for that wonderful reminder! This leads us into...
Lesson #3: Since it was not our past sin that determined why we were not hearing an affirmative answer to our prayers...we now can truly see (hindsight's 20/20 right?) that God's timing and plans for my life are PERFECT. I guessed away and felt guilt about why we didn't get pregnant that month or the next, but the fact of the matter was (and is) that God knew the plans He had for me from before the earth began ("in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them" Psalm 139:16) and that that just was not the time that He had planned for us to have a baby! Waiting on the Lord and His timing was not and is not easy for those os us lacking patience (me!), but I believe that each of these trials that we encounter where we have to wait on the Lord-where we can not push ahead ourselves to get what we want-are the times that we will grow and become more steadfast in our faith and will also be growing in the virtue of patience! Just think about James 1:2-4:
when as yet there was none of them" Psalm 139:16) and that that just was not the time that He had planned for us to have a baby! Waiting on the Lord and His timing was not and is not easy for those os us lacking patience (me!), but I believe that each of these trials that we encounter where we have to wait on the Lord-where we can not push ahead ourselves to get what we want-are the times that we will grow and become more steadfast in our faith and will also be growing in the virtue of patience! Just think about James 1:2-4:
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
So take heart, because no matter the trial--God has a purpose for it and that is to perfect you---making you more like His Son!
Now, lesson #4 is a bit rambling, but stay with me (haha!) ! The night before we found out we would be having a baby, and in the midst of the trial, I heard a song on the radio...it's a Tenth Ave North song that I think is called "Hold My Heart" . I had heard it quite a few times before, but in typical me-style, only knew a few words of the chorus. When the chorus came on, here's what it sang:
One tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain.
Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
Even though this was not a verse straight from scripture, it was exactly what I was thinking at that time-day after day. Here's the sad story part-this struck me so hard that I ended up crying the rest of the ride home that night, all the while stuck on that question, "could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?". I mean, could God, who created the entire universe, who created each and every person in it, who holds it all together (Colossians 1:17)--could He know the way that I feel right this second, the way that I have felt for months, that I so desperately wanted another baby that times like that one felt like I could hardly breathe? Could He really know that, and, you know, hold the whole universe together- at the same time?! I was definitely crying out to God that night, and because He is who He says He is, and is big enough to handle it all at once, and He does hear each of our prayers, as Jesus lives to intercede for us (Hebrews 7:25), and because He does love us with a perfect love like we'll never experience from another person here on earth-He gave me my answer to prayer the very next morning.
I know that everyone's stories of trial and suffering are different--many much more painful and some with a not so happy ending. And for all of those situations, I pray that God will give you comfort and peace and grace so that you will remain filled with hope and His love. But, with all that being said, I do know this-that God knows you and He loves you and He is ready for you to know more of Himself. God desires for all to come to repentance and to know and believe in His Son, Jesus Christ (2 Peter 3:9). And that is really the MOST important lesson that I re-learned through that trial, and that I am constantly in need of re-remembering. It is the most important thing in my life and the most important thing about me--my relationship with Jesus, and the salvation that I have because of Him who was and still is a friend of sinners like me, who lived a perfect and holy life in my place, when I never could, who was punished to the point of death on a cross for each of my (and your) sins; in the past, in the present and in the future; when I could not have paid that penalty myself, and was raised to life again by God and who now sits at the right hand of God in heaven (Colossians 3:1). "It is finished" is what Jesus said before He gave up His spirit and died on the cross--and He spoke the truth. Sin, shame, and guilt no longer have control over me because Jesus has conquered that. If you don't have Jesus as your Savior who knows you personally and who died for you and who lives to make intercession for you, then I pray that you would be drawn to the thing of God--to the Bible, to church, to other believers who can help point you to God. I pray that your eyes would be opened to the truth and overwhelming LOVE that is written all throughout the Bible and all of His creation.
So, today, about a year after our prayers were answered, we have the most perfect family God could have given us, made up of a couple of redeemed sinner united in a marriage that we believe in and that we value and that is still (and always will be!) a work in progress, with two little guys who I pray will grow up to love the Lord and serve Him no matter what--even if it's not easy or comfortable. Jacob already talks about God's love and care for him and desperately wants to go to heaven (so long as he can take his blanket!). Thomas isn't really doing much talking on the subject as of lately, but hopefully one day he too will be talking and asking and singing about the Lord like Jacob does!
I hope that if you are reading this (and if you have made it this far- you definitely deserve some sort of award!)that you have been even slightly encouraged about God's love and care for you in the midst of your trials. And of course, I hope that this Easter Sunday, you are able to go to church and praise the God of the heavens and the earth and celebrate the fact that Jesus is truly alive today!
